I got lucky in the roulette of life— to have friends that supported me in the events and connections unfolding before my eyes. I had their support in my first college relationship thought they were wary at the beginning. Lines such as “Are you sure about this?” and “Isn’t it too quick?” were easily dropped during the first times that I’ve told them the story of how we met. While the questions were filled with doubt and apprehension, they were honest from the start. Their initial doubt showed that they cared or so I hope it is care. The lack of vocal doubt but also the lack of vocal support could also hint care to a degree— one of uncertainty on how to react or reply. That is how I see the care of my friends.
But what is care exactly? The operational definition of care varies among people, but for me, in its basic sense, it is the kind of support that is followed through. It is verbal support that somehow become active or passively active as we always don’t have the means to put things into actions. It is saying something and keeping to that statement. It is saying, “I will support your relationship with him” and actually believing in their capabilities to stay together not saying a single statement that’ll undermine their relationship.
That being said, there is a distaste that forms in my mouth upon realizing the fake support “friends” give. Initially, I thought that they were my friends, but it was possibly just a farce to have a wider group of friends that were in their disposal. Maybe disposal is too strong a word, but what else could explain the feeling of being used? The feeling of people backstabbing one’s relationship leaves quite a mark in terms of your connection with them. The thread becomes strained to the point that it’s a strand left that is so easy to let go. Sure, feelings of bitterness stay even after letting the thread go, but that’s possibly remnants of denial towards a friend’s abandonment.
How come there is a lack of being appreciative of people’s happiness? Why is there a need to lie about one’s opinion on a person’s relationship? Is it because one doesn’t want to look like an antagonist to his or her close friend? Well that sounds like shit to me because if he was a friend, then he’d explain why he doesn’t think it would work or why he disapproves of the relationship. Lying about one’s support is like faking the casting of a lifesaver to a blind person— except one fails to know that the blind person is simply nearsighted and has the means to see.
But it doesn’t hurt me as much because I decided from day one to keep my distance from you as if I knew that you were trouble. Maybe there were times that I closed the distance, but I knew until where to stand, which let me get hurt less. That isn’t the case for someone else who thought of you as a close friend— who wanted you to be a supporting pillar. He needed it more than me because he first met you before me. Due to all the bitterness and distrust you have toward him, you fail to see the genuine friendship that he wanted to establish with you. Yet, you trample upon it like it is nothing. Seeing his world shatter upon knowledge of your lies, that was disturbing to watch.
So at the end of the day, the simple questions is “why lie about it?” Why lie about your support? Why set a date for a friend’s doom and sadness? It’s disgusting and painful to think of how such conspiracies have evolved behind our backs. I gave the benefit of the doubt, but apparently, you haven’t changed.