On Backstabbing Supporters

I got lucky in the roulette of life— to have friends that supported me in the events and connections unfolding before my eyes. I had their support in my first college relationship thought they were wary at the beginning. Lines such as “Are you sure about this?” and “Isn’t it too quick?” were easily dropped during the first times that I’ve told them the story of how we met. While the questions were filled with doubt and apprehension, they were honest from the start. Their initial doubt showed that they cared or so I hope it is care. The lack of vocal doubt but also the lack of vocal support could also hint care to a degree— one of uncertainty on how to react or reply. That is how I see the care of my friends.

But what is care exactly? The operational definition of care varies among people, but for me, in its basic sense, it is the kind of support that is followed through. It is verbal support that somehow become active or passively active as we always don’t have the means to put things into actions. It is saying something and keeping to that statement. It is saying, “I will support your relationship with him” and actually believing in their capabilities to stay together not saying a single statement that’ll undermine their relationship.

That being said, there is a distaste that forms in my mouth upon realizing the fake support “friends” give. Initially, I thought that they were my friends, but it was possibly just a farce to have a wider group of friends that were in their disposal. Maybe disposal is too strong a word, but what else could explain the feeling of being used? The feeling of people backstabbing one’s relationship leaves quite a mark in terms of your connection with them. The thread becomes strained to the point that it’s a strand left that is so easy to let go. Sure, feelings of bitterness stay even after letting the thread go, but that’s possibly remnants of denial towards a friend’s abandonment.

How come there is a lack of being appreciative of people’s happiness? Why is there a need to lie about one’s opinion on a person’s relationship? Is it because one doesn’t want to look like an antagonist to his or her close friend? Well that sounds like shit to me because if he was a friend, then he’d explain why he doesn’t think it would work or why he disapproves of the relationship. Lying about one’s support is like faking the casting of a lifesaver to a blind person— except one fails to know that the blind person is simply nearsighted and has the means to see.

But it doesn’t hurt me as much because I decided from day one to keep my distance from you as if I knew that you were trouble. Maybe there were times that I closed the distance, but I knew until where to stand, which let me get hurt less. That isn’t the case for someone else who thought of you as a close friend— who wanted you to be a supporting pillar. He needed it more than me because he first met you before me. Due to all the bitterness and distrust you have toward him, you fail to see the genuine friendship that he wanted to establish with you. Yet, you trample upon it like it is nothing. Seeing his world shatter upon knowledge of your lies, that was disturbing to watch.

So at the end of the day, the simple questions is “why lie about it?” Why lie about your support? Why set a date for a friend’s doom and sadness? It’s disgusting and painful to think of how such conspiracies have evolved behind our backs. I gave the benefit of the doubt, but apparently, you haven’t changed.

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Breaking the Negative Conditioning

There was this moment during Psychology class that my brain blacked out upon hearing a certain question on the fact that it hit me right at home— “how do you see conditioning in a relationship with your significant other?” At that moment, so many thoughts ran through my head that I had no idea what to share, which to share, how to share, so I ended up creating this safety bubble in my head— though it isn’t effective when challenged by a piercing gaze from a seatmate 4-5 chairs away.

Having come from two unsuccessful relationships with one being a trial relationship, there’s so much emotion and stress that comes to dealing with the after effects. For me, it was dealing with the feeling of inadequacy. There is so much negative energy that forms when one is at the receiving end that it reaches a point wherein one feels that giving up is the only solution. Giving up in this aspect is defined as conditioning the mind into believing that there is zero possibility of someone liking one’s self back. This conditioning is further strengthened on crushes and moves that don’t connect or just simply flop. Then there are also instances when there is a chance only to be given a smack to the face that one was being led on.

Then, there is that person who just happens to be there who decides to believe that he wants to make a difference in a person’s perceived-hopeless love life.

Meet the MIS major who decided to make a difference— the gift that the Lord decided that it was time that I have. Maybe the Lord decided that I had enough contemplation in my life and enough acceptance of my past moments to move forward and change. I would like to think that my perceptions on life and love have changed after two relationship mishaps in my life. In the end, I’m grateful for this gift and I plan to treasure it as much as I can.

A Letter To Ex #1

If there is something that I hate about us is that we don’t talk anymore. There is this apparent distance that even if we’re in the same room, we are quick to avoid each other’s gazes and presence. If I had foreseen this conclusion, I wouldn’t have dated you the second time around because we had managed to patch up our friendship months after the first split. Moreover, you were that best friend who would tell me random scientific facts that made me question how much you know and at the same time, the one who let me appreciate science more. If I had foreseen this, I would’ve kept you as just my midnight friend.

I dislike how I am currently writing a memoir about our break up. I had never asked you the reason behind the second split, but now, I start to wonder what that reason could be. These thoughts started appearing when I finally decided to write about you for a school requirement, because the words of my professor were, “write something that is memorable and continue to plague your thoughts.” Our break up was quick to appear just from the the reason stated beginning this paragraph.

Tell me, how are you doing in your program? It surprised me a bit that you pursued your dream to become a doctor considering you had immersed yourself in Math for you high school life. All I see of you now are pictures that appear from time to time on my FB dashboard concerning your escapades with IMed blockmates. Seeing the smile on your face gives me that feeling of content that your life has turned better.

Maybe I’m the sentimental one hoping for something intangible or unattainable. That is the pain that continues lingering in my heart concerning you— the pain of losing someone important. Once I submit my memoir’s final draft, I will forget you just as you might have been wishing from a distance all this time.

Thank you for those bittersweet memories, but I think I should let it go now.

Less Than 10 Minutes

The first bell had rung, but there was a group in front still reporting. She tapped her foot impatiently, trying to hint the reporters that she had to be somewhere. The sound of the dismissal prompted her to quickly grab her bag and walk away. She had less than 10 minutes to get to her next destination and still have enough time to give a certain person a gift.

She weaved through the crowd, mentally cursing at those walking at turtle pace. She climbed the stairs, only to run into a set of people that she was hoping wouldn’t have seen her that day. However, she was already there, so she might as well inquire on a certain person’s whereabouts.

He was true to his word when he said he’d be there before the second bell, which thankfully hadn’t rung yet. She peered through the doorway and when he saw her, he didn’t hesitate to head towards the door. They both weren’t sure if their quick meet-up was done to keep their words, but it happened anyway. There was a quick exchange of words concerning Math out of all topics that could be tackled, but they were on a time limit.

And before anyone else they knew could see, she gave him a hug to which he reciprocated. The bell hadn’t rung when they had let go, but it was timely since an acquaintance appeared. There was still something toxic with what they were doing, but they were just fine with it. Anyway, they both didn’t care how people saw things.

Extremities

His voice was distinct, that I knew. A few words from below and I knew that it was him. Finally, he had appeared after hours and hours of waiting. Words came out of my mouth to acknowledge his presence while trying to form a possibly cohesive conversation, which all came crashing down when I noticed something was off. Why was he around? He had injured himself apparently to the point he’d have to dismiss going to class.

I continued inquiring on his choices concerning college life, but maybe that was a way to distract both of us from the fact that I took his hand. It wasn’t what I expected; then again, he wasn’t what I expected to begin with. I found it strange that it was soft, but maybe, that’s how all piano hands are.