Breaking the Negative Conditioning

There was this moment during Psychology class that my brain blacked out upon hearing a certain question on the fact that it hit me right at home— “how do you see conditioning in a relationship with your significant other?” At that moment, so many thoughts ran through my head that I had no idea what to share, which to share, how to share, so I ended up creating this safety bubble in my head— though it isn’t effective when challenged by a piercing gaze from a seatmate 4-5 chairs away.

Having come from two unsuccessful relationships with one being a trial relationship, there’s so much emotion and stress that comes to dealing with the after effects. For me, it was dealing with the feeling of inadequacy. There is so much negative energy that forms when one is at the receiving end that it reaches a point wherein one feels that giving up is the only solution. Giving up in this aspect is defined as conditioning the mind into believing that there is zero possibility of someone liking one’s self back. This conditioning is further strengthened on crushes and moves that don’t connect or just simply flop. Then there are also instances when there is a chance only to be given a smack to the face that one was being led on.

Then, there is that person who just happens to be there who decides to believe that he wants to make a difference in a person’s perceived-hopeless love life.

Meet the MIS major who decided to make a difference— the gift that the Lord decided that it was time that I have. Maybe the Lord decided that I had enough contemplation in my life and enough acceptance of my past moments to move forward and change. I would like to think that my perceptions on life and love have changed after two relationship mishaps in my life. In the end, I’m grateful for this gift and I plan to treasure it as much as I can.

Fleeting Steps

If there is one thing that I wish to see come true, it would be to dance with the person that I love. Two proms and a graduation ball have produced just mere air to my aching heart. My relationships never reached that fated event and it has jaded me. Being surrounded with friends that seem to be in luck by having it happen to them at least once, I start to think that I’m not fated for such an experience. But, is that the true case or is that bitterness in my heart just talking?

– – –

Forgive me for this melodramatic snippet as it is a product of listening to I’ll Be by Edwin McCain and studying for Math. I hate and love the song. I hate how it brings back bitter feelings, but I love the message of the song.

A Letter to Mr. BadRep

As of now, there is nothing I want more (concerning the likes of you) than to move on from my crush on you. However, moving on always has its complications and issues that just recently, I realized that what I perceived as acceptance was merely ignorance. I felt a twinge of pain in my heart that day when I accidentally saw what I wasn’t supposed to. Maybe, just maybe— I was actually fated to see it in order to come to such realizations.

Honestly, if it weren’t for someone’s presence and my immense care for his emotional well-being, I would’ve had more difficulty coming to terms with the situation. Right— I may not have completely moved on from our mess, but I have someone who is giving me a reason to move one. I have someone who is highlighting the positive things about myself that I neglect to believe, but know. And maybe, what I’m trying to say at the end is that I’m sure you need someone of that figure too.

Knowing you and what I’ve come to observe in the past 6-7 weeks, you’ll tell me that I don’t understand everything and that I have no right to make such assumptions. You’re right— I don’t, but what I do know is that I see something that I think you’re neglecting to realize or having difficulty coming to terms with.

Who are you really? What you’ve been trying to do is find that ideal image and maybe you’ve found it in a certain confidante, but is it necessarily you? You say that you are no one and maybe that is true, but not in the perspective that you try to explain. You are a no one because you fail to make a statement of who you are— you fail to realize and show who you are. This all boils down to the fact that you’re trying to be someone who you are not and maybe, that’s the reason people can’t connect with you amidst your friendly nature.

My pieces of advice are to give up trying to be something you’re not and to let go of the past.

I’m not saying to forget about the past, but to let go— to stop dwelling. Things happen for a reason contrary to the belief that the world wants to spite you. Maybe, you needed those failures and bitter moments to learn and realize what you have failed to notice. You’ve had someone who didn’t want to care and you’ve had someone who wanted to; that is two sides of a coin.

I have one more piece of advice, but I think it’s better to say it to you once we start talking again. As to when that is, only time will tell.

A Letter of Gratitude to Mr. Angel

It’s obvious from the title what I want to say to you— a thank you for managing to turn my horrendous week into something worth smiling about in the end. Your replies to any of my inquiries were apt and at times, you shared even more, but I think I owe you an explanation behind requesting that playlist.

The thing about confessing your feelings to someone is that you are left with two roads that even you can’t decide on: it works or it fails. My confession to you might’ve worked, but the events following it didn’t (oh this life of mine~). However, what happens if it fails? Well, you’re left with two options: you accept it and continue to be friends with the person or you accept it and distance yourself.

I told someone about my feelings last week Tuesday and the result— well, it started my horrendous set of days. I wanted to continue being friends with the guy, but as his reasons and actions started sinking in to my brain, it got to me— he didn’t have the right to anymore. Maybe I could understand a bit what it’s like to be dedicated to someone, but to let go of that dedication to a special someone for a moment and start giving hope to other people? I don’t think that was fair, especially if you’re the other party. It sucks even more when the reason he didn’t tell me earlier was that he was scared of ruining a friendship. Well, females in the population aren’t all the same in thinking.

The negative moments that followed after look miniscule right now, but the negative energy that I had because of what happened may have amplified them too much. I did things impulsively for a while— not caring of the consequences. Go ahead— sue me for being human. Everyone is human and has a right to a fault caused by emotions.

Everything started to calm down when you accepted my request. I had asked you for a playlist not expecting that you’d take the time and effort to compile it. You didn’t demand for the exact reason behind wanting a playlist yet you still compiled one for me quickly. Moreover, you even asked if I had specific music preferences. Those small things made me smile and thankful. It made me feel better and think that someone truly cares about how I’m feeling. I still believe you’re that human angel that the Lord sent for me. You have this amazingly accurate timing— like you know when exactly to talk to me or to cheer me up with the small acts you do. Thank you so much.

The Official Letter To Mr. Panda

Breaks between semesters are the best ways to test if an attraction stays or not. I’ve gone through two agonizing breaks carrying these feelings of attraction towards you.  They were agonizing in the context of those periods because the feeling of attraction was new. I would say the mantra of four months to calm myself down and to create the illusion that the attraction that I had towards you is a short-lived one. They were meant as comfort words to calm what could be raging levels of oxytocin, except the attraction never left even after four months. “Take a leap.” I ended up telling myself that and thus the string of acts that I did.

However, there is this saying that third time is the charm. It was the third break between semesters that I realized that I needed to let go of this attraction that I have towards you because I need my sanity back. Your mere presence online sends me into frenzy with the main question, “Should I talk to you?” They’ve been all too frequent that when you mentioned that you were going to offline a couple of days, I felt relieved. However, that was when I realized how much you had invaded my thoughts and it made me realize how unhealthy it was.

I want to go online without worrying that you’re online and whether I should talk to you. I want to walk through the tambayan without having to search for your presence there. I want to hangout at the tambayan without having to notice your voice stand out so much when you speak. I want my sanity back; therefore, I will let this attraction towards you go.

I’ll let the pieces fall into place this time. I won’t force them into arrangements that cause tension and pressure. I’ll take steps back to see what the bigger picture is supposed to be for my life and for our connection. I think that is the reason I’m not getting anywhere. I’ll stick to writing hopeless stories of love and attraction because my life has proven to be unstable for a setting of such a story.

Thank you Mr. Panda for being a part of my thoughts for a rather long period, but I think I’ll eliminate your presence in my mind from now on. Like you’d always say, “enjoy life.” I think I need to do that more without having you as part of its mixture.

Inadequacy

“GUESS WHO ISN’T LEAVING. =)))))”

Stupid me. I hate it. Why am I like this?

I don’t know how to drop the atomic bomb that would destroy the hopes and dreams of my parents. Maybe I am generalizing right away. I am afraid of my dad’s reaction to the news that I am officially not leaving the country. He’s keen enough to figure out the connotations of such a statement, but maybe that isn’t what I am afraid of.

I am afraid of the inadequate feeling that I will get from my dad. The mere fact that he had a tone of discontent when I told him last Sunday that I didn’t make 2 out of 3 schools abroad plagues my thoughts until now. If I tell him that my last chance disappeared too, I am certain he will be devastated. He’d throw me that look of betrayal from the time I tell him until an indefinite amount of time. Am I not enough?

When he starts throwing out words such as probability and abroad, I know that I cannot fight anymore. He is rational to the bone with the mentality that everything is better in America. “Education in the Philippines is inadequate— you will not amount to anything if you stay. The opportunities are always abroad.” He believes that things go wrong because something in the system is wrong.

Then it gets to me because it indirectly means that there is something wrong with me. It eats me, bit by bit, except in this case, I feel one big chunk has been eaten off. My choices and wants are never part of his list. It is his list or a screwed up life. The only reason that he has come into terms with my course is that he is a big fan of nanotechnology and MSE provides it. He cannot see past the idea of his definition of success. It is suffocating and demoralizing.

I hate it— this paternal guidance system that I’m trapped in. I hate the standards that he has placed upon me. I hate how my life is dictated by his words and opinions. I hate myself for continuing to listen to them.

It is unhealthy; I am completely aware of that. I want to disappear into thin air, but how can I when I am never enough. I wish my efforts and choices were acknowledged more.