A Letter to Mr. BadRep

As of now, there is nothing I want more (concerning the likes of you) than to move on from my crush on you. However, moving on always has its complications and issues that just recently, I realized that what I perceived as acceptance was merely ignorance. I felt a twinge of pain in my heart that day when I accidentally saw what I wasn’t supposed to. Maybe, just maybe— I was actually fated to see it in order to come to such realizations.

Honestly, if it weren’t for someone’s presence and my immense care for his emotional well-being, I would’ve had more difficulty coming to terms with the situation. Right— I may not have completely moved on from our mess, but I have someone who is giving me a reason to move one. I have someone who is highlighting the positive things about myself that I neglect to believe, but know. And maybe, what I’m trying to say at the end is that I’m sure you need someone of that figure too.

Knowing you and what I’ve come to observe in the past 6-7 weeks, you’ll tell me that I don’t understand everything and that I have no right to make such assumptions. You’re right— I don’t, but what I do know is that I see something that I think you’re neglecting to realize or having difficulty coming to terms with.

Who are you really? What you’ve been trying to do is find that ideal image and maybe you’ve found it in a certain confidante, but is it necessarily you? You say that you are no one and maybe that is true, but not in the perspective that you try to explain. You are a no one because you fail to make a statement of who you are— you fail to realize and show who you are. This all boils down to the fact that you’re trying to be someone who you are not and maybe, that’s the reason people can’t connect with you amidst your friendly nature.

My pieces of advice are to give up trying to be something you’re not and to let go of the past.

I’m not saying to forget about the past, but to let go— to stop dwelling. Things happen for a reason contrary to the belief that the world wants to spite you. Maybe, you needed those failures and bitter moments to learn and realize what you have failed to notice. You’ve had someone who didn’t want to care and you’ve had someone who wanted to; that is two sides of a coin.

I have one more piece of advice, but I think it’s better to say it to you once we start talking again. As to when that is, only time will tell.


A Letter of Gratitude to Mr. Angel

It’s obvious from the title what I want to say to you— a thank you for managing to turn my horrendous week into something worth smiling about in the end. Your replies to any of my inquiries were apt and at times, you shared even more, but I think I owe you an explanation behind requesting that playlist.

The thing about confessing your feelings to someone is that you are left with two roads that even you can’t decide on: it works or it fails. My confession to you might’ve worked, but the events following it didn’t (oh this life of mine~). However, what happens if it fails? Well, you’re left with two options: you accept it and continue to be friends with the person or you accept it and distance yourself.

I told someone about my feelings last week Tuesday and the result— well, it started my horrendous set of days. I wanted to continue being friends with the guy, but as his reasons and actions started sinking in to my brain, it got to me— he didn’t have the right to anymore. Maybe I could understand a bit what it’s like to be dedicated to someone, but to let go of that dedication to a special someone for a moment and start giving hope to other people? I don’t think that was fair, especially if you’re the other party. It sucks even more when the reason he didn’t tell me earlier was that he was scared of ruining a friendship. Well, females in the population aren’t all the same in thinking.

The negative moments that followed after look miniscule right now, but the negative energy that I had because of what happened may have amplified them too much. I did things impulsively for a while— not caring of the consequences. Go ahead— sue me for being human. Everyone is human and has a right to a fault caused by emotions.

Everything started to calm down when you accepted my request. I had asked you for a playlist not expecting that you’d take the time and effort to compile it. You didn’t demand for the exact reason behind wanting a playlist yet you still compiled one for me quickly. Moreover, you even asked if I had specific music preferences. Those small things made me smile and thankful. It made me feel better and think that someone truly cares about how I’m feeling. I still believe you’re that human angel that the Lord sent for me. You have this amazingly accurate timing— like you know when exactly to talk to me or to cheer me up with the small acts you do. Thank you so much.

The Official Letter To Mr. Panda

Breaks between semesters are the best ways to test if an attraction stays or not. I’ve gone through two agonizing breaks carrying these feelings of attraction towards you.  They were agonizing in the context of those periods because the feeling of attraction was new. I would say the mantra of four months to calm myself down and to create the illusion that the attraction that I had towards you is a short-lived one. They were meant as comfort words to calm what could be raging levels of oxytocin, except the attraction never left even after four months. “Take a leap.” I ended up telling myself that and thus the string of acts that I did.

However, there is this saying that third time is the charm. It was the third break between semesters that I realized that I needed to let go of this attraction that I have towards you because I need my sanity back. Your mere presence online sends me into frenzy with the main question, “Should I talk to you?” They’ve been all too frequent that when you mentioned that you were going to offline a couple of days, I felt relieved. However, that was when I realized how much you had invaded my thoughts and it made me realize how unhealthy it was.

I want to go online without worrying that you’re online and whether I should talk to you. I want to walk through the tambayan without having to search for your presence there. I want to hangout at the tambayan without having to notice your voice stand out so much when you speak. I want my sanity back; therefore, I will let this attraction towards you go.

I’ll let the pieces fall into place this time. I won’t force them into arrangements that cause tension and pressure. I’ll take steps back to see what the bigger picture is supposed to be for my life and for our connection. I think that is the reason I’m not getting anywhere. I’ll stick to writing hopeless stories of love and attraction because my life has proven to be unstable for a setting of such a story.

Thank you Mr. Panda for being a part of my thoughts for a rather long period, but I think I’ll eliminate your presence in my mind from now on. Like you’d always say, “enjoy life.” I think I need to do that more without having you as part of its mixture.

A Letter to EnLit Section R56

Before entering Ateneo, my mom had continuously etched into my brain that my English skills have degraded and that I’ll end up in the Basic track of Ateneo’s English course. It surprised her that I ended up in the regular English block and in a relatively high number.

There is a theory circulating Ateneo that states, “In a certain batch of numbers, the higher the number, the better the English skills of the class.” While typing that previous line, I felt that there is something wrong with the grammar, but that could wait for editing some time in the future when I become a legitimate grammar nazi.

Behold R56, the second to the last section in the set of regular English blocks— the section with a unique English teacher and a queer Literature teacher. They are the reason as to the bond that the section formed later in the year and maybe too late into the year to my liking.

In the beginning, I never felt happy in the EnLit block that I had been assigned too. Maybe it was the inconvenience of the first semester’s classroom or the proliferation of SOM majors in one section. Whichever it was, I never got to appreciate the section’s unique & queer aspects until second semester. Maybe those characteristics have always been there and I didn’t see deep into it back in the first semester because of my prejudice towards SOM majors.

Yes, I do not like SOM majors. I do not know who to blame for such a mentality. It could’ve been the SOSE influence or the proliferation of certain people I dislike during my grade school life in those courses. But I have R56 to thank in the end for changing my opinion by a huge margin. The SOM majors in our section broke the stereotype that I had encased SOM majors in. They showed me that SOM majors put a lot of effort into their studies (or maybe it’s due to most of you being ME & MGT-H).

Words really cannot express how much I have come to love R56. They are the reason that I continue going to EnLit class because they are filled with bubbly energy that manifests in extreme moments of stress. They are the set of people who amaze me continuously. They are the set of people that make me smile and laugh during my MWF days. They are a set of people I will truly miss next year.

Maybe we’ll have quick meet-ups. Maybe we won’t. Maybe we’ll be too absorbed in maintaining QPIs that we neglect each other’s presence. Maybe we’ll continue being online on twitter at unhealthy hours of the morning. Maybe we’ll continue to talk. Maybe… maybe… maybe… No matter how many maybe’s, I know that I love being part of R56.

Thank you for the wonderful school year.

A Letter To Ex #1

If there is something that I hate about us is that we don’t talk anymore. There is this apparent distance that even if we’re in the same room, we are quick to avoid each other’s gazes and presence. If I had foreseen this conclusion, I wouldn’t have dated you the second time around because we had managed to patch up our friendship months after the first split. Moreover, you were that best friend who would tell me random scientific facts that made me question how much you know and at the same time, the one who let me appreciate science more. If I had foreseen this, I would’ve kept you as just my midnight friend.

I dislike how I am currently writing a memoir about our break up. I had never asked you the reason behind the second split, but now, I start to wonder what that reason could be. These thoughts started appearing when I finally decided to write about you for a school requirement, because the words of my professor were, “write something that is memorable and continue to plague your thoughts.” Our break up was quick to appear just from the the reason stated beginning this paragraph.

Tell me, how are you doing in your program? It surprised me a bit that you pursued your dream to become a doctor considering you had immersed yourself in Math for you high school life. All I see of you now are pictures that appear from time to time on my FB dashboard concerning your escapades with IMed blockmates. Seeing the smile on your face gives me that feeling of content that your life has turned better.

Maybe I’m the sentimental one hoping for something intangible or unattainable. That is the pain that continues lingering in my heart concerning you— the pain of losing someone important. Once I submit my memoir’s final draft, I will forget you just as you might have been wishing from a distance all this time.

Thank you for those bittersweet memories, but I think I should let it go now.

A Letter to Kaingin 2012-2013

Being a freshman, I had no idea what each organization in the Ateneo had to offer. I initially joined Kaingin because my mom had been part of the founding members. In my head, I was basically ‘what the heck, I might as well try Kaingin.’ I had joined four organizations at the start of the year, which dwindled down to two at the end: Kaingin and Ateneo Chemistry Society (ACheS).

It is obvious which organization I preferred over the year in Ateneo considering I’m part of its executive board now. However, I want to talk about how much regret I feel deep down for not being as active in Kaingin. I initially attributed my inactivity in Kaingin to my schedule. The schedule of a Chemistry major isn’t all light, fun, and games since I spend 26 hours in class per week. Yet, I still managed to be the project head of two projects in my home organization. If my inactivity was due to my academic schedule, then I should’ve had no time to tackle projects for my home organization too.

Before I knew it, the FB group of Kaingin announced that elections for next year’s EB were on-going. I read all of the candidacy forms for a member who would only like posts in the group and lurk. Then it hit me; maybe I didn’t have the awareness that the other members had for Kaingin. As a freshman, I was struggling to adjust myself into the Ateneo and I found my adjustment easier in my home organization. Who can blame me right?

I feel that I haven’t done enough for Kaingin, but I feel that it is an amazing organization just from lurking in the Facebook group. There are people dedicated to it that I find it amazing. I like meeting passionate and dedicated people, so it’s sad that I never got to fully meet the other members. I do not know how to integrate myself into Kaingin honestly. How does a freshman who entered Kaingin try to fit in? I still haven’t found the answer and I’m going to be a sophomore soon.

What I can say is this: even with my duties as ACheS’s VP for Documentations and as a student, I will try my best next year to make myself sort-of known in Kaingin. I want to be part of an amazing organization and I regret not doing that this school year. I sincerely hope you forgive me for such conduct, because I really believe Kaingin is something amazing deep down.