Breaks between semesters are the best ways to test if an attraction stays or not. I’ve gone through two agonizing breaks carrying these feelings of attraction towards you. They were agonizing in the context of those periods because the feeling of attraction was new. I would say the mantra of four months to calm myself down and to create the illusion that the attraction that I had towards you is a short-lived one. They were meant as comfort words to calm what could be raging levels of oxytocin, except the attraction never left even after four months. “Take a leap.” I ended up telling myself that and thus the string of acts that I did.
However, there is this saying that third time is the charm. It was the third break between semesters that I realized that I needed to let go of this attraction that I have towards you because I need my sanity back. Your mere presence online sends me into frenzy with the main question, “Should I talk to you?” They’ve been all too frequent that when you mentioned that you were going to offline a couple of days, I felt relieved. However, that was when I realized how much you had invaded my thoughts and it made me realize how unhealthy it was.
I want to go online without worrying that you’re online and whether I should talk to you. I want to walk through the tambayan without having to search for your presence there. I want to hangout at the tambayan without having to notice your voice stand out so much when you speak. I want my sanity back; therefore, I will let this attraction towards you go.
I’ll let the pieces fall into place this time. I won’t force them into arrangements that cause tension and pressure. I’ll take steps back to see what the bigger picture is supposed to be for my life and for our connection. I think that is the reason I’m not getting anywhere. I’ll stick to writing hopeless stories of love and attraction because my life has proven to be unstable for a setting of such a story.
Thank you Mr. Panda for being a part of my thoughts for a rather long period, but I think I’ll eliminate your presence in my mind from now on. Like you’d always say, “enjoy life.” I think I need to do that more without having you as part of its mixture.