Stupid me. I hate it. Why am I like this?

I don’t know how to drop the atomic bomb that would destroy the hopes and dreams of my parents. Maybe I am generalizing right away. I am afraid of my dad’s reaction to the news that I am officially not leaving the country. He’s keen enough to figure out the connotations of such a statement, but maybe that isn’t what I am afraid of.

I am afraid of the inadequate feeling that I will get from my dad. The mere fact that he had a tone of discontent when I told him last Sunday that I didn’t make 2 out of 3 schools abroad plagues my thoughts until now. If I tell him that my last chance disappeared too, I am certain he will be devastated. He’d throw me that look of betrayal from the time I tell him until an indefinite amount of time. Am I not enough?

When he starts throwing out words such as probability and abroad, I know that I cannot fight anymore. He is rational to the bone with the mentality that everything is better in America. “Education in the Philippines is inadequate— you will not amount to anything if you stay. The opportunities are always abroad.” He believes that things go wrong because something in the system is wrong.

Then it gets to me because it indirectly means that there is something wrong with me. It eats me, bit by bit, except in this case, I feel one big chunk has been eaten off. My choices and wants are never part of his list. It is his list or a screwed up life. The only reason that he has come into terms with my course is that he is a big fan of nanotechnology and MSE provides it. He cannot see past the idea of his definition of success. It is suffocating and demoralizing.

I hate it— this paternal guidance system that I’m trapped in. I hate the standards that he has placed upon me. I hate how my life is dictated by his words and opinions. I hate myself for continuing to listen to them.

It is unhealthy; I am completely aware of that. I want to disappear into thin air, but how can I when I am never enough. I wish my efforts and choices were acknowledged more.


2 thoughts on “Inadequacy

  1. sjakim says:

    You are plenty adequate. Not even your parents have the right to say that or imply that, no matter where you’re standing. They can’t even take away the person you are right now either. They’re not living your life. They don’t know adequacy itself if they haven’t been to America or Europe or wherever.

    Probably not relevant but if America is better, why am I in Korea? I’ll tell you one thing: It’s not a year-long vacation. Oh, I’ll tell you another: America isn’t giving out jobs that are… well, adequate.

    • Thank you for that thought man. It’s still very frustrating to still hear my dad say that the benefits are all on that side of the world. Honestly, I still think he just wants to escape the country and use me as a reason.

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