Tari Tari

This obviously slice-of-life series was a pain to finish for the reason that I was never a fan of slice-of-life series especially those that have a school setting. If I use that reasoning though, it’s like I’m denouncing more than half the population of anime series (since I also dislike shoujo). However, I do give credit to slice-of-life series if they manage to make me think of other things besides the usual idiocy and slowness that the series has. Tari Tari could’ve been better— I shall establish that now— but it does resonate with me in terms on how music should be loved because I am a frustrated pianist.

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On Backstabbing Supporters

I got lucky in the roulette of life— to have friends that supported me in the events and connections unfolding before my eyes. I had their support in my first college relationship thought they were wary at the beginning. Lines such as “Are you sure about this?” and “Isn’t it too quick?” were easily dropped during the first times that I’ve told them the story of how we met. While the questions were filled with doubt and apprehension, they were honest from the start. Their initial doubt showed that they cared or so I hope it is care. The lack of vocal doubt but also the lack of vocal support could also hint care to a degree— one of uncertainty on how to react or reply. That is how I see the care of my friends.

But what is care exactly? The operational definition of care varies among people, but for me, in its basic sense, it is the kind of support that is followed through. It is verbal support that somehow become active or passively active as we always don’t have the means to put things into actions. It is saying something and keeping to that statement. It is saying, “I will support your relationship with him” and actually believing in their capabilities to stay together not saying a single statement that’ll undermine their relationship.

That being said, there is a distaste that forms in my mouth upon realizing the fake support “friends” give. Initially, I thought that they were my friends, but it was possibly just a farce to have a wider group of friends that were in their disposal. Maybe disposal is too strong a word, but what else could explain the feeling of being used? The feeling of people backstabbing one’s relationship leaves quite a mark in terms of your connection with them. The thread becomes strained to the point that it’s a strand left that is so easy to let go. Sure, feelings of bitterness stay even after letting the thread go, but that’s possibly remnants of denial towards a friend’s abandonment.

How come there is a lack of being appreciative of people’s happiness? Why is there a need to lie about one’s opinion on a person’s relationship? Is it because one doesn’t want to look like an antagonist to his or her close friend? Well that sounds like shit to me because if he was a friend, then he’d explain why he doesn’t think it would work or why he disapproves of the relationship. Lying about one’s support is like faking the casting of a lifesaver to a blind person— except one fails to know that the blind person is simply nearsighted and has the means to see.

But it doesn’t hurt me as much because I decided from day one to keep my distance from you as if I knew that you were trouble. Maybe there were times that I closed the distance, but I knew until where to stand, which let me get hurt less. That isn’t the case for someone else who thought of you as a close friend— who wanted you to be a supporting pillar. He needed it more than me because he first met you before me. Due to all the bitterness and distrust you have toward him, you fail to see the genuine friendship that he wanted to establish with you. Yet, you trample upon it like it is nothing. Seeing his world shatter upon knowledge of your lies, that was disturbing to watch.

So at the end of the day, the simple questions is “why lie about it?” Why lie about your support? Why set a date for a friend’s doom and sadness? It’s disgusting and painful to think of how such conspiracies have evolved behind our backs. I gave the benefit of the doubt, but apparently, you haven’t changed.

The Summer MisFling: Exposition

“Hi. :) Do you have time to talk?”

I remember that line so well and it could’ve come from anyone. However, it had a deeper connection in my memory— the life events that had shaped my summer and the fling was never meant to sail— it all started with that one opening. The summer air certainly runs hormones rampant to the point of destruction. Do tell, what is this story?

Exposition

The thing about the summer air during the break is that I never get things done on time. To me, summer break was my recuperating pill— the drug that could send me to an alternate dimension in a flick. Little did I know, I might’ve stayed in that alternate dimension for too long. The summer days were spent locked in a rectangular box, lying on a rectangular bed, contemplating what I should be doing with my life. The hobbies weren’t resonating strongly probably from oversaturation from the 3-day long marathon. Facebook proved to be the optimum time filler, but it was quite monotonous for my fidgeting brain to handle. Who knew a text-containing box would lead me to that strange encountered that blossomed into a mess.

“Hi. :) Do you have time to talk?”

Was it coincidence or was it fate that someone had managed to contain my interest at that moment? I had the time or I made myself have the time to talk to this semi-stranger and that was it— I had broken the olden rule of never talking to strangers.

A thread had been thrown to start a link, but threads are brittle little polymers— they aren’t like their massive counterparts that take more effort to break. That was the sad thing— I never knew that this simple opening can lead to the greatest illusion in this life. Then again, illusions are meant to entertain even in the harshest means.

Breaking the Negative Conditioning

There was this moment during Psychology class that my brain blacked out upon hearing a certain question on the fact that it hit me right at home— “how do you see conditioning in a relationship with your significant other?” At that moment, so many thoughts ran through my head that I had no idea what to share, which to share, how to share, so I ended up creating this safety bubble in my head— though it isn’t effective when challenged by a piercing gaze from a seatmate 4-5 chairs away.

Having come from two unsuccessful relationships with one being a trial relationship, there’s so much emotion and stress that comes to dealing with the after effects. For me, it was dealing with the feeling of inadequacy. There is so much negative energy that forms when one is at the receiving end that it reaches a point wherein one feels that giving up is the only solution. Giving up in this aspect is defined as conditioning the mind into believing that there is zero possibility of someone liking one’s self back. This conditioning is further strengthened on crushes and moves that don’t connect or just simply flop. Then there are also instances when there is a chance only to be given a smack to the face that one was being led on.

Then, there is that person who just happens to be there who decides to believe that he wants to make a difference in a person’s perceived-hopeless love life.

Meet the MIS major who decided to make a difference— the gift that the Lord decided that it was time that I have. Maybe the Lord decided that I had enough contemplation in my life and enough acceptance of my past moments to move forward and change. I would like to think that my perceptions on life and love have changed after two relationship mishaps in my life. In the end, I’m grateful for this gift and I plan to treasure it as much as I can.

Fleeting Steps

If there is one thing that I wish to see come true, it would be to dance with the person that I love. Two proms and a graduation ball have produced just mere air to my aching heart. My relationships never reached that fated event and it has jaded me. Being surrounded with friends that seem to be in luck by having it happen to them at least once, I start to think that I’m not fated for such an experience. But, is that the true case or is that bitterness in my heart just talking?

– – –

Forgive me for this melodramatic snippet as it is a product of listening to I’ll Be by Edwin McCain and studying for Math. I hate and love the song. I hate how it brings back bitter feelings, but I love the message of the song.

A Letter to Mr. BadRep

As of now, there is nothing I want more (concerning the likes of you) than to move on from my crush on you. However, moving on always has its complications and issues that just recently, I realized that what I perceived as acceptance was merely ignorance. I felt a twinge of pain in my heart that day when I accidentally saw what I wasn’t supposed to. Maybe, just maybe— I was actually fated to see it in order to come to such realizations.

Honestly, if it weren’t for someone’s presence and my immense care for his emotional well-being, I would’ve had more difficulty coming to terms with the situation. Right— I may not have completely moved on from our mess, but I have someone who is giving me a reason to move one. I have someone who is highlighting the positive things about myself that I neglect to believe, but know. And maybe, what I’m trying to say at the end is that I’m sure you need someone of that figure too.

Knowing you and what I’ve come to observe in the past 6-7 weeks, you’ll tell me that I don’t understand everything and that I have no right to make such assumptions. You’re right— I don’t, but what I do know is that I see something that I think you’re neglecting to realize or having difficulty coming to terms with.

Who are you really? What you’ve been trying to do is find that ideal image and maybe you’ve found it in a certain confidante, but is it necessarily you? You say that you are no one and maybe that is true, but not in the perspective that you try to explain. You are a no one because you fail to make a statement of who you are— you fail to realize and show who you are. This all boils down to the fact that you’re trying to be someone who you are not and maybe, that’s the reason people can’t connect with you amidst your friendly nature.

My pieces of advice are to give up trying to be something you’re not and to let go of the past.

I’m not saying to forget about the past, but to let go— to stop dwelling. Things happen for a reason contrary to the belief that the world wants to spite you. Maybe, you needed those failures and bitter moments to learn and realize what you have failed to notice. You’ve had someone who didn’t want to care and you’ve had someone who wanted to; that is two sides of a coin.

I have one more piece of advice, but I think it’s better to say it to you once we start talking again. As to when that is, only time will tell.

Is 25 really that great?

This is the detailed version of the 25 things post that I was tagged in on Facebook. The copy on Facebook are merely one-liners (or two), but here is the detailed version for those who are really interested.

1. While I’ve dated twice prior a certain day, in my mind, I believe that I only have one ex-boyfriend. In my eyes, a person that I’ve dated receives the title ex-boyfriend if we’ve lost all hope in communication or in being on a civil basis.

2. I like giving hugs as much as receiving them. To me, I can feel the sincerity and aura of a person through the hugs I give and receive. Moreover, hugs give me the feeling that I am safe.

3. I got into anime during the summer before first year high school when I stumbled upon Black Cat on Animax. Prior to that, I was not aware of the existence of anime except Pokemon. Therefore, please do not ask me what anime series that I’ve watched when I was a kid. I will flat out tell you that I wasn’t enlightened by awesomeness at that age.

4. I am grade-observant rather than grade-conscious. Grade-conscious (GC) has been defined as a person who constantly keeps his grades in check and making that they are high. Grade-observant, a term I conjured up while writing this, is being watchful of the grades received and gauging if the effort I placed in the subject matches the grade that I received. In gauging, the teaching abilities of the teacher in question are factored in.

5. I think the best color combination is orange and blue. I love their polarity and placing them together works wonders in highlighting each others strong points as a color. I’d add green to the mix so that my three favorite colors are all together, but it has to be specific shades for it to work.

6. Being perpetually fetched at 6pm started in second year high school. The aforementioned time has continue until college, which has caused me to schedule all my classes in the afternoon. I’m actually more attentive in the afternoon amidst the yawning that I exhibit during class.

7. The best English band, so far, that I’ve been introduced to (by a friend) is Cute Is What We Aim For. It is my feel good song and something that never fails to cheer me up when I’m down or to get me into a momentum (that doesn’t academics).

8. My twitter handle, Thoriumea, has multiple back stories. There was one day that all the chemistry majors decided to change their twitter names to an element. I picked Thorium because its symbol is Th. Another was my Ch11 professor remembers names through codes and he connected mine to Thor cause Thea and the queen of Thor had a connection (obviously didn’t watch Thor). It ended up sticking.

9. My 14-year old brother is way taller than me. Last my family checked, he was 5’10”. I am 5’2″ and 18-years old. Do you not see that height deficiency of mine?

10. For wordpress posts, I have to finish them in one sitting or I end up scrapping them or neglecting them or at worse, forgetting all about them. My drafts folder in wordpress currently contains a very overdue chapter 9 of Trial of a Dreamless.

11. In the anime world, I’ve got a soft spot for the idol genre— series that are focused on idols or singing. I think it started with Macross Frontier and from there, I started appreciating such series. However, if the first episode doesn’t sell me, I’m quick to drop it. My reaction to singing series are very polar. I either love it or hate it. I really loved Macross Frontier and AKB0048 amidst the insanity of the concept behind it.

12. I sleep with four pillows. I’d sleep with 4 more pillows (the throw pillow kind), but my mom has been complaining that there’s too many things on my bad and that the pillows might suffocate me. The numerous pillows shows that I prefer having company even though I don’t like being around people.

13. I am an ISTP— Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving. The problem with this type? It happens to be the most confusing to understand because certain characteristics run counter to each other. I love being an ISTP.

14. My parents are very clingy and do not want to admit that they don’t want me to have a boyfriend because they’re scared of losing me. Their usual cover up is that boys are a distraction from academics. Hi, most of my friends are male, so what is that supposed to mean?

15. I do not like having long hair because my hair is thick. I already feel the heat due to it when my hair is at shoulder length. In addition, I have difficulty falling asleep or returning to sleep when I have long hair. It just feels uncomfortable.

16. Apparently, I have hipster anime preferences since I know a series such as Ga-Rei. Well, I first encountered it as an anime, Ga-Rei ~Zero~. It wasn’t notable in plot, but in the supernatural-action moments. I have yet to find a place to read the manga.

17. I like it when people play with my hair or caress it even when it’s short. It calms me down and is actually a good way to make me fall asleep. Maybe that’s why I like playing with people’s hair or messing with other people’s hair. Hair relaxes me.

18. I have a knack of learning the basic skills behind playing instruments. In addition, I am able to imagine how a certain piece should be played. However, I lack the focus to completely learn an instrument. The only instrument that I can play is the piano and I don’t take that seriously either.

19. I like stuffed toy/plushies. I prefer having eccentric animals though… and dogs… and bears… especially dogs & bears. I have a pig, a tiger, a wombat, and a panda. I used to collect until I realized that I don’t have much space.

20. I like doing organization work and non-academic projects, such as Population GO, because it makes me feel busy and alive. It makes me feel that I have a purpose in life. However, I dislike it when they, somehow, find themselves pilling up  on one day in a week or one week in a month.

21. I do not like mangoes. Enough said.

22. There was a time in my grade school life wherein I was good at the crane game in gaming places such as Timezone and Powerstation. I lost all skill when I transferred to Pisay.

23. I do not have a desk or a table in my room. I also do not have a study area or a study table in any other room in my house. My bed is 2/3 for sleeping and 1/3 for anything that’ll be needed when I study.

24. The two reasons I decided to go to Ateneo were my scholarship and the org life. After a year of studying in Ateneo, I still stick by those reasons with the addition that I’ve been granted a chance to pursue my love for International Relations by the Political Science Department

And finally………………

25. I have recently decided to stop hiding topics/issues from my parents due to certain someone’s influence. I have yet to see if it will work out for the better, but I surely hope it does.